Techniques and Positions
Anal sex - how to decide if anal sex is for you, or not.
Anal sex conjures up many images - and sadly not all of them are very positive! The butt end of various jokes (excuse me!), it's the victim of homophobia, it's thought of as dirty and unhygienic, and it's seen as a sexual practice full of shame. And yet, judging by the amount of anal sex pornography available, it's one of the most popular forms of sex there is - at least in men's fantasy lives.
Maybe in reality men don't get to try it as much as they might like because of women's resistance. And yet anal sex can be very exciting for women, too.
This site will tell you everything you need to know, from how to do it to how to clean up afterwards.
To start at the beginning: anal sex is another form of intercourse. And it can be great when done by consenting lovers who both want to try it. (Want to know what a disrespectful approach is? Try this: "Oops, wrong hole!"). Of course, anal sex is not as romantic as missionary vaginal sex, but sometimes a bit of spice is all you need.
Even in a monogamous relationship anal sex may not be something you want to carry on doing, but then again, sharing an allegedly taboo can be exciting and it can actually pull you closer.
All in all, anal sex as part of your sexual repertoire means you'll feel more intimate and have more sexual things to play around with, which will let you enjoy the variation and the fun of something a bit more spicy from time to time.
And if you do it right, it's only dirty in the way that great sex is dirty! It's just one more way to mix things up - anal sex can be a Saturday night special, or something for holidays and special occasions. And sure, as we said, anal sex may not be a something you want to revisit - but a lot more people enjoy it than you'd think.
Advice On Anal Sex
See how the same old issues come up time and time again. They centre on women's desire to please men and their fear of pain, which often results in a woman doing anal from an anxious place which does indeed cause her pain because her body is not relaxed.
Maybe the problem is, at its root, one of sexual liberation, in the sense that a woman needs to find her voice - i.e. be able to say "no, that's not acceptable".
Assuming that she really does want to continue with anal sex then the key to success is lots of lube, tolerance and patience by both parties, slowness and gentleness by the man, and good sexual skill - which means no male sexual dysfunction - either premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation.
You see, some men who find it difficult to reach orgasm think a tighter fit around the penis will help them come faster. But the anus is not naturally lubricated, so if you need to thrust for over 15 minutes before you reach orgasm, anal sex is definitely not for you or your partner! (You can read more about these male sexual problems here.)
By contrast, if you come too soon, you are likely to come even quicker with anal intercourse. So avoid it. Instead you might wish to consider the possibility of using a self-help program such as Ejaculation By Command, which you can find at www.datinglovingliving.com - a useful resource for any man who wishes to last longer in bed.
So - why do it? Well, anal sex means exploring the parts of your lover's body that would normally be taboo. This can add a high level of intensity and excitement. Both men and women have rear ends with loads of erotic nerves, all waiting to be investigated.
For the initiated, anal sex is an altogether new and exciting sensation. You're still not convinced? Well, before you reject it altogether, why not try it and see how anal sex feels?
After all, if you never extend your sexual horizons, you're never going to find out what you like....and, if you tried anal sex once, years ago, and didn't like it, consider trying one more time with the benefit of good advice.
Remember, backdoor action doesn't always have to mean hardcore anal fucking or hours of rimming (mouth and tongue play on the anus). Sometimes a teasing finger pushed up there at the right moment during oral or manual sex or even during vaginal intercourse can be enough anal sex play to keep you both happy! In fact, anal play may never go further than that for you - but why let all those good nerve endings go unsatisfied?
Unlike vaginal sex, anal sex isn't quite as simple as inserting a penis into a vagina. The anus and rectum are much less harder to penetrate and much less accommodating than the vagina, so it helps to get a little anal education before you enter.
First of all, there are two small sphincters that bound each end of the anal canal (see the illustration). The more nervous and stressed someone feels, the more these muscles clench up. This is why relaxation, light-heartedness, patience, and a slow approach - as well as some anal foreplay - are very necessary when you start playing with anal sex. Have a look at the diagrams below so you can see what you are dealing with in anal sexual play.
Beyond the anus lies the rectum, an S-shaped part of the gut which receives feces immediately before defecation - it isn't really where shit is stored, if you have a good bowel habit (i.e. regular toileting and complete evacuation of the shit).
Since your penis, dildo, or finger is not the same shape, you can see how it is a good idea to play around with techniques and sex positions until you find the combination that feels right for you. That's as true for anal intercourse as it is for finger play or dildo exploration.
Since there is no position that will straighten out the curve completely, put anything up into the anus as slowly and carefully as possible! Go in slowly and gently and listen to what your partner says, tilting the angle of entry as needed to give them comfort.
The other key factor about anal sex is that there is no natural lube in the anus. This is very different to the vagina, where a woman's natural lubrication eases the passage of the penis, hence the importance of some kind of artificial lube.
And another important point is that the anal and rectal tissues are much more delicate than the walls of the vagina, which makes unprotected anal sex such a risky activity - it is easy to transmit STDs, including HIV, the precursor of AIDS.
Consider also the possibility of physical damage if you don't take it slowly or forget the lube. Remember also that yeast infections can easily be spread from rectum to vulva and vagina - and for that matter from rectum to the man's penis.
Anal Anatomy for Anal Sex
Spontaneity and planning are not incompatible in sex. So have the heavy duty condoms and the anal lube ready for when you want to play with anal sex. Nothing ruins the mood quite like douching, seducing, fingering, licking and then bending over with your anus at the ready only to find that there's no lube in your bedside table.
Becoming backdoor buddies with your lover requires trust and good communication. This means it probably isn't something to try with a one-night stand or on the third date.
It can be a very powerful experience in many ways - the power a woman has over a man who wants anal sex so badly he'd give anything to get it can be awesome, and a woman may feel it in her excitement as she gets down on her hands and knees with her ass in the air, ready for her lustful man to penetrate her behind. But assuming you follow all the advice here, there's no reason why anal sex shouldn't become just another fun thing to do over the weekend!
So. Are you ready in the body? If you can douche with a small amount of water before you get ready for anal sex, this will clean out any lingering particle of shit in the rectum, which makes it nicer for all concerned. It's certainly a good idea to at least shower (or wash your behind in a bidet) first.
Anyone who's going in with a finger should have trimmed and filed nails, and the more sexually aroused you are, the better: the more relaxed you'll be, so for women, having an orgasm first will relax the whole area.
Here's an anal sex check list:
Something like 50% of women are said to have tried anal sex but fewer than one in ten engage in it regularly. This may be because many women find it uncomfortable or even painful. But when you do anal sex "correctly", this form of intercourse can be very enjoyable for both partners.
Those ladies who do enjoy anal intercourse regularly report various reasons why they enjoy it: intense sensations, a rush of adrenaline due to the "taboo" nature of anal sex, the sheer rudeness of it, and so on.
So our advice is that if you like the idea of anal intercourse but you've found it to be uncomfortable or painful then try again!
Anal sex has a lot of negative images associated with it. As you know, little boys and girls learn mostly that shitty things in general and the anus in particular is dirty.
Many of us also have negative feelings about bowel movements, and as adults, we are often uncomfortable with the concept of touching our own anus, or even with a loving partner touching it. Good hygiene during anal sex solves all these problems.
Of course, you may get AIDS and hepatitis from an infected man or woman, and they may be carriers with no symptoms, so safe sex is incredibly important. But overall, the bottom line (no pun intended) is this: the anus is a rich source of erotic and enjoyable feelings when stimulated sexually.
The anus is full of erotic nerve endings; no wonder, then, that so many people find anal stimulation exciting or enjoyable. Anal sex techniques and sexual positions can give great pleasure!
While the anus can be very pleasantly sensitive to sexual stimulation, it is of course designed for expulsion, not insertion! As we have observed, it is not lubricated like the vagina, and it can contract fiercely, shutting tightly when you try and insert a hard object. That's why you need lots of gentle pressure, relaxation and lube - and a good supply of patience!
Good quality lube lets things (such as a penis, a dildo, or a finger) slip in without friction on the delicate tissues of the anus and rectum.
And, yes, you do need to be patient, because the anal muscles may need to be conditioned to relax when you're penetrating your partner. This relaxation is needed to overcome the anal reflex which tries to expel objects that shouldn't be there (which is why anal sex toys like Butt Plugs have a ridge to keep them in place).
So use plenty of lubricant and make sure you have lots of time to enjoy anal sex play and intercourse. If you or your lover is worried about pain or discomfort, there is a product called EROS Explorer which claims to be an anal muscle relaxant.
The product manufacturer claims it works like a mild anesthetic and allows easy penetration without loss of sensation and therefore produces conditions ideal for relaxed, and enjoyable anal intercourse. So they say.
Hygiene and anal sex
Photos from Wikimedia commons.
Everything about anal sex is easier if you are confident that your and your partner's back-end is clean! You can easily decide how far you want to go with cleanliness - you might see it as essential to douche before anal sex, or simply to wash outside the anus if you are using condemns and latex gloves.
A compromise between these two extremes is to have a shower together and wash your anuses - this is sexy and exciting as well as functional! You can also insert a fingertip into each other to clean inside the anal canal. There are other advantages to enemas, as well, of course.
So, whatever you are doing, take it slowly. Be playful! If you are thinking about penile (or even finger) penetration, you can just slip a finger inside your partner to check if there is any shit left there.
A small douche will always clear things out, but if you use too much water you may wash matter down from higher up the gut - so only use a little water.
Commercial enemas are not appropriate - warm water is all you need. So when you are both ready and feel as clean as you want and need to be, go and relax together.
The first step of any anal sex session will most probably involve anal massage. What follows is written as though the reader is a man stimulating his female partner, but the same information is just as relevant for a woman who is playing with her male partner's anus.
If you are a man playing with your female partner's anus, you may initially find that when her anus is intimately touched it contracts, and she may need some time to learn how to let it relax.
The first thing to do is to lubricate her anus with a good water based lube (only use oil if you know your partner well and you have already shared bodily fluids. Oil destroys conventional latex condoms.) You can then start a gentle anal massage around the anal area with soothing circular strokes. You can begin to make the suggestion of penetration by pushing gently with a finger tip on the anal sphincter muscle, but don't attempt to penetrate her at this stage.
Gradually, as you play with your partner's anal opening, it will become more accustomed to these new sensations and begin to relax and open up. To aid this process, stimulating her vulva or performing cunnilingus may be helpful.
A great way to stimulate a woman sexually is to offer her cunnilingus while stimulating the inside of her vagina with one finger and playing with her anus with another - so you could have the forefinger of one hand inside her vagina while stimulating her anus with the little finger of the same hand.
The entire collection of sensations work together to relax and increase a woman's sexual arousal, and this also prevents her from being too wrapped up in the new sensations of having her anus stimulated. Of course, as in all sexual play, it is helpful for both partners to be relaxed and if either of you feels time-pressured, you're not likely to enjoy things as much.
Even if it takes weeks or months to get used to the new feelings of anal sex, it's worth taking it slowly. Eventually, it will become quite natural to enjoy anal sex play and then the stage is set for anal penetration.
Should any kind of yeast infection be transferred from rectum to vagina during anal intercourse, which is possible if hygiene is not as good as it might be, then there is a site full of useful advice on all aspects of yeast infection, including how to cure it, how to diagnose it, and how to avoid getting it in the future.
As you know, the tissues of the anus and rectum are not as robust as those of the vagina and you need to be careful not to insert anything that is sharp or which might damage the lining of the rectum.
(That means trimming your nails and filing their edges before you attempt anal penetration, especially with an ungloved finger.) You can wear rubber or latex gloves if you wish, as these will help your finger to slide in and maintain a good level of cleanliness if the idea of touching shit bothers you.
As you proceed towards anal penetration, massage her anal sphincter ring and wait until it relaxes and begins to show its willingness to open up for you. If it tightens up, stop what you are doing, withdraw your finger, and restart the anal massage once again - carry on for two or three minutes, during which time it should relax again.
When her anal opening has relaxed again, you can gently insert your finger once more, taking it very slowly. Your partner needs to sense when her anus is tense, and develop the ability to relax it consciously, which she will only be able to do if she trusts you not to abuse her willingness to explore anal sex.
One useful tip is to try for an orgasm at this stage, because the sensation of orgasm with a soft object in the anus can be very enjoyable and this adds to the expectation that anal play will produce good feelings. Once your partner is comfortable with this level of anal penetration, you can gently move your finger in and out, and in a circular motion.
A good step at this point is to insert something slightly thicker - perhaps two fingers instead of one. (But probably not your penis at this stage!)
Take it slowly and make sure that your partner is relaxed. There are various butt plugs available in sizes from small to large which can help her get accustomed to gradual increases in size, but her anus is never gong to accommodate anything as big as her vagina could do.
A butt plug with a base that has a collar on it will enable her to keep the object in her anus rather than having it pushed out by the reflex response of her anal sphincter, which is what tends to happen to regular dildos and vibrators.
Anal sex may be so exciting the first time a man tries it that he ejaculates far too quickly - but control will come with time and experience. You can find out much more about exciting strategies for men who wish to last longer during sex here.
And if you are a man who wishes to take a woman to greater and greater levels of sexual pleasure, then Jason Julius's program Orgasm Arts for female sexual pleasure, known as Orgasm Arts, may be just the job for you!
Butt plugs come in a wide range of sizes, as a quick look at any sex toy website will soon tell you! You can get them from half an inch wide to the thickness of a fist, but the smaller they are, the more likely they are to be enjoyable, especially for the novice anal sex fan!
Only when you're a hard core anal kinkster will you want to search out some of the more expansive anal sex toys! It has been suggested that silicone dildos are the best choice because of their softness and flexibility.
We wouldn't argue with that. A useful tip is to add a condom to the dildo as it makes the clean up much easier.
At this point, I want to take a small break - and mention some other websites which can be helpful in all kinds of sexual situations. For men, the most common sexual problem is premature ejaculation. It's certainly true that the incredibly intense excitement of anal intercourse can produce a very rapid ejaculation, especially if a man is already prone to quick or rapid ejaculation.
There is a self-help treatment program which can alleviate these difficulties, and you can find it - Ejaculation By Command - here. It will show you how to stop premature ejaculation. If the opposite problem - retarded ejaculation - is your particular problem, then you can find treatment for delayed ejaculation here.
This will show you how to end long delays befopre climax.
If you are having any kind of erection problem, like partial loss of erection, or an inability to get an erection at all, you are experiencing erectile dysfunction, which is the second most common male sexual dysfunction, and in many ways it is even worse than simply ejaculating too quickly.
After all, at least when you come too quickly, no matter how embarrassing it may be, you can always give a woman pleasure with oral sex or masturbation.
Note that men may come even more quickly with anal pleasure than with vaginal intercourse, simply because the anus is so tight.
But if you are impotent, while you can still please your partner, you may not be able to have an orgasm yourself, and the loss of erection can be very disempowering as a man. However, the sites mentioned above offer an effective solution to these male sexual problems: the tao of badass being one of them!
Ok - back to the main subject! If you want to try the delights of a butt plug, start by massaging and pushing a finger into her anus as we describe above. Once you have a degree of dilation, you can play with the tricky little butt plug by pressing it gently into her anal opening - don't forget the lube! - and allowing it to make its own way in, at its own pace.
Or, rather, at the pace that her anus will comfortably allow it to enter! If she can have the experience of pushing it back out again, this in and out motion will get her more accustomed to the sensation of entry and withdrawal, which will help when you get around to penile penetration of her anus (especially if you intend to thrust as you would in vaginal intercourse).
Push your (junior size) butt plug into her anus a little further with each forward motion, and remember to keep stimulating her clitoris as you do this.
Eventually she will be able to keep the butt plug in her anus without any discomfort - once the anal sphincter has closed around it, she should find it quite comfortable - and you can then move on to sexual intercourse (vaginal intercourse, that is).
Most important of all is to bring her to orgasm so that she can enjoy the feeling of orgasm while something is filling her anal canal and possibly her rectum, or at least the lower part of it.
You can gradually introduce the larger size butt plug into your partner's anus when she is used to the feeling of the smaller one.
As you prepare for anal intercourse, the best idea is to purchase a dildo or butt plug that is the same size as your penis, so your partner can adapt to the size that she will have to accommodate when you start enjoying anal sex.
The advantage of using a dildo is that you can move it in and out easily (the butt plug has a flared base which prevents such in and out movement) so it gets your partner accustomed to the sensations of anal intercourse.
This experience may be very intense for your partner and she may need time to adjust to the different experience of anal dilation.
When she is relaxed, slowly thrust the dildo in and out of her anus - let her remain in control at all times so that she has confidence she can stop the process if she needs to. She certainly needs to be sure that she will not be hurt by the experience of anal sex.
Naturally enough, when it comes to the moment of first penetration with the dildo, you need to go through the whole ritual of anal massage, gentle dilation with a finger, and the use of the gradually increasing size of penetrative object.
When you get to point of penetration by your penis, she must retain control of how far and how fast she is penetrated: she must therefore be on top, or you must enter her doggy style. Her anus must be relaxed, at least partly open, and willing to accept your penis - don't just try and push it into her!
If you do this doggy style, she can move her body backwards onto your penis.
Once the glans of your penis has penetrated her anus, slow down, relax for a couple minutes, and when she feels ready, let her accept the remainder of your penis; then, she can either remain motionless and enjoy the feelings of your penis being inside her, or you/she can start to move slowly forwards and backwards or thrust gently.
Gentle stimulation of her breasts and clitoris and possibly the pleasure of an orgasm will help her to enjoy the experience more.
As with all sex, the more you practice, the more enjoyable anal sex will be, since you get used to it and you know how to best enjoy it, what angles you need to adopt and what tricks and techniques will make it easier for you.
If you only enjoy anal intercourse from time to time, you will obviously need to spend longer getting ready. If you practice anal sex regularly, it is easier to maintain the ability to relax the anus and accept the penis easily.
Both men and women can play with their anus while masturbating - this can add a great deal to the experience of solo sex, and it is a great way to get comfortable with anal play. Some women even discover that anal stimulation can help them reach orgasm.
You can either play with the outside of your anus or enjoy penetration with a finger, a butt plug, or a vibrator.
If you're interested in power play between men and women during anal sex, it's worth reading this. For women who want to penetrate their male lover, a desirable practice if the man enjoys prostate stimulation (and most men do, when they get used to it), a good quality strap on harness and dildo are needed.
You need a quality harness to keep the dildo in place while you have your hands available to stimulate the penis and ay other part of your own or your lover's body. Think of the dildo as your penis, no matter how feminine you may be - this kind of role reversal is very stimulating.
Of course, if the base of the dildo presses and stimulates your clitoris, you will also have the added pleasure of reaching orgasm through thrusting - an experience normally reserved for men! It's a great idea to wear the harness and accompanying dildo several times before you even try anal intercourse with your man.
You may surprise yourself by finding how comfortable you feel with a strap on dildo. You can be in charge for a change, and your male lover can be the passive partner, the receptive partner for a change!
If this all seems too much, too soon, then a gradual process can work well: a woman can gradually introduce her man to anal sex by playing with his anus while she offers him fellatio. This is an intimate act and can bring a couple closer, as well as encouraging greater relaxation and sexual pleasure.
There is no clear information on whether women can reach the point of high arousal which would enable them to ejaculate (the entire subject of female orgasm and sexual pleasure is discussed here) through anal stimulation.
As for positions, well, almost any position which you can use for ordinary sex can be adapted for anal sex. If you really need help, seek out the inspiration of great sexual techniques which you can find here.
Advantages of anal sex
There are some unexpected advantages of anal sex too. The tightness of the anus means it may be especially stimulating for a man, which may actually be helpful in achieving ejaculation if he happens to be suffering from delayed ejaculation - also called retarded ejaculation.
One of the most interesting techniques to add to anal intercourse or anilingus is the stimulation of the perineum, which is the space between the anus and the vulva in a woman, and between the anus and scrotum in a man, or the introduction of a finger into the vagina whilst anilingus is taking place.
The reason that these techniques are so valuable is that the intensity of an orgasm which is generated by the combined stimulation of the genitals and the anus is much greater, and indeed much more pleasurable than orgasm produced, let us say by clitoral stimulation alone.
One reason for this perhaps is the female desire to be penetrated, the satisfaction of which clearly increases when a woman is penetrated both anally and vaginally, but it's also just a physical pleasure: penetration of the anus, and to a lesser extent stimulation of the perineum, conducts the movements and stimulation of the external sexual act deep down into the pelvis, where it may not be experienced as a matter of course.
It's for this reason that anal stimulation can enable a man who has any kind of ejaculatory dysfunction to reach orgasm much more easily, and it's well worth experimenting with if you have this issue in your sex life!
Conversely of course, it may not be a good technique for man who wishes to avoid premature ejaculation! Naturally this is particularly true for men whose prostate is being stimulated by friendly finger.
Such is the pleasure that it's likely that stimulation of this kind will become a regular feature of a couple's sexual interaction once they have learned to enjoy it – a pre-requisite for which is the use of a good quality lubricant.
Updated April 24 2019